


La tristesse durera toujours

by cinnamonrollharry (planetsandstars)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Harry, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Zayn One Direction, Recreational Drug Use, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:37:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5227181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetsandstars/pseuds/cinnamonrollharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An overview of Harry and Zayn's relationship throughout the years where Zayn wants to be more than just someone Harry sleeps with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	La tristesse durera toujours

before

1.

Harry curls himself into Zayn’s side like it’s the most natural thing in the world and sometimes Zayn is surprised how cuddly Harry is. And how easy it is for him to cuddle back. 

“Good show tonight” Harry says and he sounds sleepy. Zayn runs his hand along Harry’s back and strokes his hair. He’s learned over the past year the more he treats Harry like a cat the happier he is. 

“Yeah” he says and they go back to watching TV. They aren’t the most natural of friends and neither of them really know why they’re this close but it’s nice. Zayn likes not having to talk and try to impress Harry; he does enough of that in interviews. Harry just seems to like him being there. And that’s enough for the both of them. 

*

Harry sits on Zayn’s lap before the interview and Zayn’s arms come to rest at his waist easily. 

“How come you never cuddle me?” Liam whines and Harry laughs easily, presses himself closer to Zayn. 

“I love Zayn more that you” Liam sticks his tongue out before Louis tackles him. 

“I’ll hug you if you want babe”

“Me too” Niall flops on top of them and they become a pile of tangled limbs on the floor. Harry shakes his head and settles more comfortably against Zayn, pulling out his phone and taking a picture of the pile of puppies the rest of his band mates are.

*

Harry’s sitting on the edge of the bed when Zayn walks in and he looks so serious Zayn pauses. 

“You okay?” Harry looks up and he looks vaguely scared. He gets up as if deciding something and crosses to him, pressing their lips together tentatively. It takes Zayn a second before he can process this, that he's kissing Harry, but when he does he rests his hand lightly on Harry’s waist. The small gesture relaxes Harry and he kisses Zayn with a little but more force before pulling away. Harry’s eyes are bright and his cheeks are tinted pink and he’s so, so pretty. Neither of them are sure what this means, or if it changes anything between them, but it was nice. 

*

2.

Zayn pushes Harry against the door when it’s closed and kisses him. Harry’s been riling him up all day, dancing a little too sluttily on stage and ignoring Zayn when he tried to touch him. Harry’s an infuriating little tease when he wants to be. 

“Babe, please, what was today all about?”

“Nothing” Harry answers innocently, sliding his hands under Zayn’s shirt. 

“It wasn’t nothing baby” Zayn says and slides Harry’s jacket off, unbuttoning his shirt before pushing Harry down to his knees. They know how much Harry loves this, how much he gets off from Harry using him like this. Harry looks up at Harry from under his eyelashes. 

“What should I do?” he asks and Zayn smiles down at Harry, strokes his cheek, and Harry nuzzles against his palm. 

 

(Zayn fucks Harry’s face until he’s gasping for breath and Harry swallows obediently when Zayn comes down his throat. He takes care of Harry afterwards and they fall asleep curled against each other on the bed.)

*

At breakfast the next day Harry looks soft and sleepy and Louis notices and hugs him close. The easy way Harry lets him makes Zayn feel ridiculously jealous, as if he’s the only one who’s allowed to touch Harry like that, even though they haven’t decided they’re anything particular. 

“Poor baby” Louis coos and Harry hits him playfully but stays pressed against his side. Louis and Harry have something that none of them understand and Zayn knows that whatever he and Harry have is second to this. 

“Me and Harry were going to go out today, you want to come with?” Louis asks and Zayn almost says yes but he can’t. Not when Harry looks so content and good snuggled into Louis’ side, he can never mean as much to Harry as Louis does. 

“Nah thanks” he says instead. 

*

Harry comes and goes as he pleases and Zayn kind of hates how he’s got the whole band wrapped around his finger. He falls into bed with Zayn at night and kisses him nicely and sucks his cock so prettily then goes off to find Louis. Zayn falls asleep alone and wishes Harry had never kissed him.

*

Harry looks so pretty spread out beneath him, skin flushed and hair spread across the pillow and Zayn is so, so glad he gets to see Harry like this. He fucks into Harry painfully slowly and Harry groans, pushes himself back against Zayn.

“Please” Harry’s shameless in bed.

“Please what?” Zayn asks innocently, pressing in again just as slow. Harry feels so good and Zayn loves seeing him het up and desperate. 

“Fuck me properly” Harry says with a groan as Zayn just brushes against his spot. Zayn snaps his hips forwards roughly and Harry gasps, not expecting it, before he goes back to being torturously slow. He wants to drag this out so he can spend more time with Harry and less time alone. 

*

Something changes between Harry and Louis and none of them know what it is and none of them say anything. Harry’s eyes are dead when he comes into Zayn’s room now and Zayn kisses him carefully and fucks him slowly. Harry’s crying a little when he comes and Zayn gathers his body in his arms and pulls it into his side. Harry’s tears wet Zayn’s skin and he presses little kisses against his cheek and strokes his hair. They fall asleep still tangled together.

*

Harry catches Zayn’s wrist after the show and smiles at him. Zayn lets himself be pulled further backstage, away from it all. Harry presses him against the wall and doesn’t bother kissing him, just sinks down to his knees and stares up at Zayn ridiculously. Zayn’s head is always fuzzy whenever he thinks about how pretty Harry looks like this, with his eyes wide and innocent and his tongue wetting his pretty lips. He’s obscene in the most delightful way. Zayn finds himself nodding and Harry’s hands go to the waist of his jeans, always careful. 

“Fucking hell Harry” Zayn gasps as Harry takes him into his mouth without warning. Harry’s eyes glint, smug bastard, knows how good at this he is. Zayn tangles his hand in Harry’s curls and Harry lets him fuck his mouth, his cock hitting the back of Harry’s throat and he just takes it, lets Zayn use him. It has Zayn embarrassingly close. 

Harry leans back when they’re done, watches as Zayn catches his breath, his skin flushed. 

“Fucking hell” Zayn pants. 

“Was I good for you?” Harry asks and Zayn glances down at him.

“Always babe”

*

Sometimes Harry stays afterwards. 

Zayn loves those nights. When Harry curls his body close and they watch shows in foreign languages they can’t understand. When Zayn can pretend that this is more than just sex. That he means more to Harry than that. Zayn knows he’s stupid, to be thinking like this, hoping ridiculously that Harry wants this to be something more when it isn’t, when it can’t be. 

*

“You going back home for the break” Zayn asks.

“Not sure yet. Why, going to miss me?” Harry smirks and leans down to kiss him. 

“Was just wondering if you wanted to come stay at mine” Zayn hates feeling trapped and alone in his house by himself. It’s dumb, he knows he could go stay with his mum, but sometimes he doesn’t want that either. Harry’s bites his lip.

“Oh, I’m not sure . . .” he doesn’t want to because he think I’ll get the wrong idea, Zayn thinks. He shrugs

“Fine, was just offering” he pushes Harry into the mattress and climbs on top of him, resuming their kissing. Hoping to forget the awful crushing sadness through fucking Harry senseless. 

*

Zayn tries to be content with what he has after that. Doesn’t try to make Harry stay when he doesn’t want to, lets him walk all over his heart and crush it when he kisses Zayn on the cheek and leaves. Zayn doesn’t lie in the dark thinking anymore, instead he goes out and stumbles to his room at 3am, it doesn’t make him any less sad and lonely when he gets back.

*

3.

They go out and Harry lets strangers press their bodies together, hands roaming his skin, touching his waist, lips pressed against each other. Zayn stands back and watches with his eyes narrowed but happy with the knowledge he’ll be the one who gets to fuck Harry later on that night. 

*

Harry wakes Zayn up. Harry’s stumbling and giggling and Zayn’s not sure how he made it back here by himself but hopes he got a taxi back. 

“Babe, are you okay?” he asks because Harry’s stood leaning against the door. 

“Fine” Harry replies slowly and slides down onto the floor. Zayn sighs and gets up to take care of him. He kneels down in front of Harry and touches his shoulder.

“Come on then” Harry doesn’t move and Zayn would be exasperated if he wasn’t so worried. “What’s up?” Harry looks up at him then and he’s so pretty it hurts Zayn sometimes. 

“Nothing” Harry tries to stand himself but can’t, stumbles to the side and Zayn has to grasp his arm to steady him. “Careful”

“I’m fucking fine Harry” Harry snaps but it’s slurred and some of the effect is worn off. 

“You’re not,” Zayn says back equally as cold. He’s tired of Harry doing this to him, using him when he needs him but never giving him anything back in return. Never telling him anything. Harry narrows his eyes and pulls his arm away.

“Fuck off” he throws his blazer across the room and goes over to the bed. He’s tired and everything hurts and he knows he’s hurting Zayn too but he can’t bring himself to care much. Zayn signed up to this. Knew what this was. Harry never pretended it was anything else. Zayn’s stupid if he believes it can be anything more. He tosses the rest of his clothes away and gets under the covers. Zayn still hasn’t moved and Harry wonders of he’s actually going to leave him. If he’ll go beg Liam to let him sleep with him. Harry half wants Zayn to have the balls to actually do it and is half terrified he actually will.

“Please, Harry, what’s the matter?” and Harry can’t bear that, can’t bear Zayn pleading with him, he covers his mouth the hide the sound of an impending sob. 

“Harry, I fucking swear . . .” Zayn rounds on Harry then, his chest empty. 

“What? You fucking swear what?”

“If you don’t tell me what’s the matter then this is over, whatever the fuck this is” Harry’s never seen Zayn this angry and he’s glad. This is real. He understands real. 

“Oh for fucks sake, not this again. Just because I suck you off doesn’t mean I owe you anything!”

“No, it doesn’t, but I think I have a right to know why you wake me up in the middle of the night crying” Harry flushes. 

“I don’t have to tell you anything,” Harry repeats. “You’re nothing special! I could just as easily have chosen to fuck Niall or a string of strangers, you mean absolutely nothing to me! You’re just an easy fuck, that’s all. You’re easy, this is easy”

“You’re saying I don’t mean anything . . .”

“Wow, you finally get it.” Harry claps his hands; “Well done, this has never been about anything apart from sex” it hurts. Harry’s words take refuge in Zayn’s chest and he shakes his head. 

“You’re awful you know that right? I don’t know why I put up with you for so long when you’re such a bastard. We’re in the same band for fucks sake; don’t say I don’t mean anything to you when I know that’s not true. I don’t know why you keep pushing me away Harry but I can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t deal with you anymore.” Tears are falling down Harry’s cheeks. He needed this. Needed Zayn to tell him how he really felt. 

“Please go away, just . . .” Harry doesn’t get to the end of his sentence before he starts crying. It’s awful sobs that wrack his body because of all the things he hasn’t allowed himself to think about. Zayn doesn’t do anything. Harry hears the door close and knows he’s alone. Knows he’s fucked everything up and Zayn’s left him. 

*

Zayn lets Harry start ruining himself after that. Stops caring what time he comes in or how drunk he is or if someone gave him a pill he obediently swallowed. His skin is gray and his eyes are dead and Harry just can’t bring himself to stop him. They don’t speak apart from when they have to and they request two room instead of one and Zayn goes to Niall’s room to watch sports he doesn’t care about and play games he’s terrible at and it’s nice. Being with Niall is easy and Zayn doesn’t have to think, doesn’t have to worry. He let’s himself laugh easily and drink the beer Niall presses into his eager hands and smokes cigarettes which Niall occasionally steals. He pretends not to hear Harry coming back to his room at 4am and resists the urge to go see if he’s okay. 

*

They got famous too fast and Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing. He does everything he should, goes out, gets drunk, fucks around. But he's not happy. He hasn’t been happy in a long time. Can only pretend he is. Can only pretend that the people he presses his lips against mean anything to him and the night he spends out instead of back at the hotel with the others are fun. 

He’s living a lie but how can he stop when everyone expects this of him? 

*

He crawls into bed at half 4 and doesn’t see the morning. He doesn’t know when or how he got reduced to this but it’s getting harder and harder to keep it up.

*

The worst thing is that it’s Harry’s fault this happened. He kept pushing Zayn away even when he wanted to be close and then he pushed too much. There was only so much rejection Zayn could take before he decided Harry wasn’t worth it. 

*

The man takes Harry’s hand. Leads him into the bathroom and Harry follows, drink in hand and prettiest smile on his face. He looks at his reflection, notices how his hair is sweaty and how his skin looks unhealthily pale. The man doesn’t seem to care though. He presses Harry against the sinks and kisses him, hand unbuttoning Harry’s jeans and pulling them down slightly. Harry gasps into the man’s mouth when he gets a hand around his cock and the man smirks against him. 

“You like that baby?” and Harry hates how much of a whore he is, how he’s letting this man touch him like this when anyone could just walk in. He can’t think straight though because the man has a steady rhythm going along his cock and Harry presses his face against the man’s chest to keep his moans quiet. 

“Fuck” Harry breathes out and the man tilts his head back, presses kisses along his neck and on his mouth. Harry knows this isn’t one sided though, knows the man will want something in return when this is over. 

“Do you want to come?” the man asks and Harry finds himself whimpering, nodding his head and the man lets him come. A few tears leak out of Harry’s eyes and he's not entirely sure why but the man wipes them away when he pulls back. 

“My turn baby” he says and Harry nods. They all want this and usually Harry is so eager, so eager to please them, but he’s tired and all he wants is for Zayn to let him sleep with him tonight and forget that things aren’t good between them. The man is looking at his expectantly and Harry smiles, runs a finger across his lip. 

“What do you want me to do?”

*

Harry is cold and shivering when he gets back to the hotel and the thought of being alone terrifies him. Without really thinking he goes to Zayn’s room. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say, only knows that he needs Zayn to wrap his arms around him and to feel like someone cares. The man had fucked his face and come down his throat before leaving Harry feeling like a cheap whore in the bathroom. It’s his fault though; it’s always his fault. He leads them on with his pretty lips and half buttoned shirts and the things he says in their ears. Because he thinks he wants it, thinks he needs them, and it’s only afterwards when he realises how used and terrible he feels. 

He knocks softly. Zayn swears quietly and Harry hears the lock being turned before Zayn is in front of him. His head is blank and he notices how annoyed Zayn looks. 

“Harry” he says simply and the fact he's not shouting at him almost makes Harry feel worse. 

“Zayn, I . . .” but what? Why is he here? After all, what did he expect Zayn to do?

“What do you want?” Zayn doesn’t sound angry, just tired, and Harry realises it’s stupidly early in the morning and he probably woke Zayn up. 

“I don’t know” Harry is slightly tipsy and his head hurts and his skin is cold and he wishes Zayn would pull him against him and wrap his arms around him protectively like the should, like he would have done, before Harry fucked everything up. 

“You should go to bed” Zayn says, “You look terrible” Harry nods, doesn’t trust himself to say anything without crying, and he turns away and heads to bed alone. He’d never imagined being this famous would be so lonely and sad. 

*

Harry gives the man his best smile when he's offered the packet. The man keeps a steady hand at his waist while he sniffs it, not caring what it is or that he's taking it off the dirty bathroom counter. Harry leans against the wall and lets the man kiss his neck. His head feels funny and the lights are too bright and the music seems like it’s coming from inside his own brain. He notices the man smiling at him and his lips moving but he doesn’t understand. The man kisses him again and Harry kisses back, moving his hand to the back of his head, trying to find something to grip onto. The man lets him before breaking away to lead him back to the dance floor. 

It’s packed and people are presses too close but Harry doesn’t care. He feels incredible. Like nothing matters and nothing ever will matter. Like the only things in life are the feeling of the man’s hand against his waist and the feel of his lips on his. He glances up at the ceiling, at the lights, and they’re suddenly too close. Everything is too close. He's trapped, pressed against these strangers with their roaming hands and too white teeth and little packets of promised happiness and Harry panics. His chest is tight and his vision swims and when did the ceiling get so close and the music underwater . . ?

Harry pushes away from the man, stumbles outside. He can breathe better here and the sky is further away. His finger hovers over Zayn’s name because he needs him. Needs Zayn to let him sleep in his room and take care of him. Except Zayn wouldn’t do that, not now. He calls a taxi instead and goes to bed alone.

*

Harry takes pills after that. Pills that make him feel like he’s flying and he thinks how wonderful it would be if he could really do that. If he could throw himself off the top of the hotel and just keep going instead of falling. Because he's been falling for quite a while now and he's not sure how to stop himself. 

*

Harry’s hands shake and he takes a sip of wine from the bottle he bought even though it’s barely 11am. He's at a low point he doesn’t think he can recover from and it scares him. 

*

No one says anything if they notice. As long as they touch him up with makeup and he sings like he's supposed to onstage and looks pretty and has nice hair they don’t care. As long as he's making them money. 

They give them another pay check and it’s ridiculous and Harry doesn’t know who he is anymore. Doesn’t know how to become the person he was before he was famous, doesn’t even know if he was a good person back then, only knows that the person he is now is terrible and scares him so, so much. 

*

Harry doesn’t go out because his head hurts so much he can’t see straight and he doesn’t know if it’s from crying too much or not. 

*

The others start to notice. Harry’s pale and withdrawn, a shadow of who he used to be. Zayn watches on in silence as Liam mutters concerned words to Louis and Harry’s skin looks paper-thin stretched over his bones. 

*

Harry answers the door to Zayn.

“Hi” Zayn says lamely and Harry doesn’t know how to respond. Part of him wants to shout at Zayn for leaving him when he needed him and part of him, a larger part, is too desperate to have Zayn back to be angry. 

“Hi” he says softly and lets Zayn in. 

“Harry what’s happened to you? I don’t know who you are anymore” 

“I don’t either” Harry says and then he's crying again but this time Zayn sits them down on the bed and pulls Harry close. Harry smells like cigarette smoke and his eyes are dull and smudged with dark circles. Zayn feels absolutely awful. He strokes his hand through Harry’s hair and down the bumps of his spine. He shifts them so they’re more comfortable and Harry makes a terrified needy whine as if Zayn is going to pull away again and Zayn could cry himself. He’d left Harry alone when all he'd needed was this, for someone to care about him and make him feel safe. 

*

Zayn can’t make everything perfect overnight, especially because he's not perfect himself. Harry still goes out and gets too drunk and lets pretty strangers press their lips together but it doesn’t mean the same things anymore. He doesn’t need them to make him feel worth something and he usually pulls away from them. 

They lie on the bed together, bodies pressed close and Zayn keeps his hand a reassuring presence on Harry’s side. Harry is particularly clingy and needy recently and Zayn thinks it’s because he's scared Zayn’s going to leave him again. 

 

“I’m sorry for being so terrible Zayn” Harry says a while later, when he's stopped looking sad and haunted and his hands have stopped shaking and he's started enjoying performing again. He accepts the cigarette Zayn gives him and leans out of the window. 

“It was my fault too” Harry looks at Zayn then, he looks so sad and angry with himself and Harry smiles gently. 

“We shouldn’t talk about it anymore. I feel better now” Zayn touches his hand briefly, smiles, and goes back to smoking. 

***

 

after 

1\. 

Harry tries, for the first few weeks, he calls Zayn and tries to get him to talk.  
(After a while though he gives up.)

It’s clear that Zayn doesn’t appreciate being rung in the middle of the night because Harry’s forgotten about the time difference. Zayn sounds groggy and annoyed and Harry tries to stay bright, tries to keep Zayn talking even though the conversation is silted. He hangs up when he hears Zayn shushing someone in the background. Zayn’s moved on, that much is clear, and Harry should too. 

*

2\. 

“Thank you, we’ve been One Direction” Liam says and the crowd cheers. The last few bars of the song play and they’re supposed to go offstage, only they can’t quite manage it. Harry looks over at the others, at how Louis looks small and awkward, bouncing on the soles of his feet and to Niall towards the front, looking out at the audience like he can’t bear to do anything else. This is it. It’s the end. And it’s bittersweet because they’re all so tired but they haven’t known anything else for a long time. Screaming crowds and performing the same songs on the same stage in different cities and sleepless nights and endless hotel rooms is all Harry’s known since he was 16 and he doesn’t know how he’ll cope without it. The song finishes and there’s a moment of silence and neither they nor the crowd really know what’s going on. Liam sighs.

“Guys, seriously. This isn’t like all the other nights. We’re going to go off this stage and that’s it. There’s going to be no tomorrow for a while and it’s sad.” Harry looks out at the audience and a lot of people are crying. “No one could ever have imagined how big this was all going to be and neither of us can still quite believe how amazing you guys are. We literally do have the best fans in the world and we’d like to thank you for that. I mean, if you look back at everything over the years we didn’t do too bad eh?” Liam looks over at Louis who shrugs and Niall who shakes his head and finally at Harry. He knows Liam needs him to say something and even though he's sure his voice sound terrible he does so. 

“Yeah I mean, when we auditioned who knew? Sure . . . sure we’ve had some bad time, like Zayn . . .” he doesn’t continue that thought. “But yeah . . . like Liam said. Thanks. Really. Thanks to you guys because you did all this for us and . . . yeah” he nods and stops because his voice is threatening to crack and Liam nods. 

“Thanks once again guys, we’ve been One Direction, see you all on the reunion tour!” they take a bow and leave the stage. 

*

Zayn answers the door to him and Harry smiles. He's not stupid, he knows this isn’t going to change anything and they’re not going to be like they used to but it doesn’t matter.

“Missed you” Harry says and Zayn lets him inside. 

*

They haven’t seen each other for months and it should be awkward. They should sit apart on the sofa and pretend to watch TV and try to fathom out what the heck they’re going to go now. Except they don’t, they fall back into things the way they always have. Zayn presses Harry against the wall and kisses him. It’s rough and hungry and Harry’s hands find purchase on Zayn’s waist, in his hair, everywhere he can find. He's missed this, missed Zayn, missed Zayn in ways that he can’t explain to the others. Because Zayn understood him in a way which they others never did, could never do, and that isn’t their fault. 

“Are you planning on fucking me right here?” Harry asks cheekily and Zayn pulls away, strokes a hand over his hardening cock.

“You’d like that though, wouldn’t you? You were always such a slut Harry” Harry smirks.

“Only for you” Zayn pushes their lips back together before tugging Harry’s shirt off.

“For old time’s sake then”

*

“Did you come all the way out here just to fuck?” Zayn asks later on, Harry looks sleepy and soft in pyjamas and not like Zayn just fucked him breathless 10 minutes ago. Harry laughs.

“You have low expectations of me”

“I know you could sleep with anyone you wanted so why follow me here?” Zayn lights a cigarette and offers it to Harry. 

“You know why” 

“Do I?” Zayn asks and Harry sighs. He was stupid if he thought he and Zayn could carry on from where they left. Zayn left them for a reason and Harry wasn’t enough for him to want to stay. 

“Why did you leave us?” Zayn looks tired then, and sad, and Harry almost regrets asking but he really needs to know.

“Don’t ask me that”

“But . . .”

“You were the one who told me all those years ago that this was nothing more that sex. Friends with benefits as gross as the phrase is, that’s what we are isn’t it?” Harry looks at Zayn.

“It’s what we used to be”

“Yeah, I guess it is”

“What does that make us now?” Harry asks and he sounds scared.

“No idea” Zayn replies

*

Harry wakes up at 4am, jetlagged, and filled with awful numb loneliness. He gets up and fumbles in Zayn’s jacket pocket for his cigarettes, going over to the window. Zayn looks small and soft asleep and Harry watches the rise and fall, of his chest. His fingers are shaky as he lights a cigarette and brings it to his lips.

**

 

They go out and Zayn buys Harry drinks. Zayn keeps a hand on Harry’s wrist as they find a space on the crowded dance floor. Harry hasn’t been out in a while and it feels good. Zayn pushes another drink into Harry’s hand. Zayn looks incredible and Harry wants to kiss him but knows he shouldn’t. It can wait till they get back to Zayn’s, when Zayn can push him against the wall and fuck him again. The music is almost too loud and the crowd are pressed close and someone touches his waist. Harry thinks it’s Zayn but he’s looking the other way and Harry turns. Some pretty guy is there, his hand moving to touch him again and Harry’s momentarily confused. He doesn’t want to do anything with this guy, not while he's here with Zayn. But maybe, and it’s terrible to think, he can use him. Harry smiles at the guy, leans in to kiss his cheek quickly, before turning back around and pressing himself against him. The guy’s hand finds his waist again quickly and Harry smirks to himself as Zayn looks over and sees. He goes from being shocked to angry easily and his eyes narrow at Harry. Harry feigns innocence and that does it for Zayn. He grasps Harry’s hand and tugs him away from the guy, across the dance floor and to the exit. Harry hasn’t had angry sex in a while and he's far too excited.

*

Zayn pushes Harry down onto the bed and holds his wrists above his head. He smirks down at Harry’s flushed skin and wayward hair. Christ he’s already a mess and they haven’t even started anything. 

“Why do you always insist on being such a slut Harry? You just can’t help yourself can you?” Harry’s hard already from Zayn’s teasing on the taxi ride here and he lets out a pathetic whine and wriggles against the grip Zayn has on his hands. Zayn tuts and presses down, to make a point, he’s in charge tonight, always has been. “Keep still for me” Zayn unbuttons the rest of Harry’s shirt and runs a hand lightly over his chest, leaning down to nip marks into his skin. Harry wants his move his hands, to pull Zayn towards him and kiss him, but knows Zayn wouldn’t want him to. But then again, as much as he wants to be good for Zayn, he loves it when Zayn is rough with him. When Zayn calls him names and teases him mercilessly, never touching his prostate when he fingers him, making Harry beg, turning him into a whimpering mess. He only ever allows himself to come so undone for Zayn, never anyone else. Harry whines again when Zayn brushes against his cock and reaches a hand down to touch Zayn who instantly stills his movements, looks down at Harry. 

“You just couldn’t help yourself could you baby? Couldn’t even do a simple thing I asked of you” Harry almost feels terrible but Zayn punishing him is exactly what he wants. Zayn gets off the bed, removes his clothes, before climbing back up, straddling Harry’s waist. He strokes Harry’s cheek lightly, lovingly, before kissing him. Harry kisses back. Happy to have Zayn where he wants him as last. Zayn laughs softly when he pulls back.

“I forgot how desperate you got for me baby, always to needy” Zayn’s fingers ghost over Harry’s cock, so slow and light it’s overwhelming. He wants Zayn to fuck him so much it’s painful. 

“Please” Harry sounds wrecked already and Zayn laughs. 

“No baby, you brought this on yourself, you’re going to suck me off, then I’m going to fuck you and maybe you’ll get to come if I think you’ve been good enough for me” Harry’s eyes widen and he nods because yes, he wants that. He loves the feeling of being under Zayn’s control. Zayn climbs off Harry.

“Get up then, on your knees” Harry nods, scrambles off the bed. He’s still fully dressed and his cock is painfully hard, pressed against his jeans. He wants to touch himself but knows Zayn wouldn’t let him.

Harry rocks forwards on his knees, eager to get Zayn’s cock in his mouth. Zayn laughs softly. “So pretty for me baby,” he says as Harry gets a hand around him, stroking a few times and Zayn lets out a low breath. Harry teases Zayn for a moment, kitten licking the tip before Zayn fists his hand in Harry’s hair and guides him where he wants him. Harry looks so good like this, on his knees, with his skin flushed and his pretty lips stretches tight around Zayn’s cock. Zayn can’t resist stroking his cheek. Harry relaxes his throat and takes Zayn in deeper. Zayn gasps, the feeling of Harry is so incredible and his submissiveness always gets to Zayn. Zayn is letting out little whimpers and moaned profanities and Harry knows he's close. Harry works his tongue more, exactly as Zayn likes and the grip on his hair tightens. 

“Fucking hell Harry, look at you” Harry wonders what state he's in, he’s fully dressed with his shirt undone and his skin is pink and sticky already and he just wants to feel Zayn inside him. Zayn come down his throat and Harry recovers quickly, swallowing obediently. Harry looks up at Zayn with wet eyes and Zayn pulls him up onto the bed and kisses him, tasting himself in Harry’s mouth. Zayn reaches between them and brushes along Harry’s cock, Harry whimpering against Zayn’s mouth.

“You want me to fuck you now baby?” Harry nods, “I’ll bet, you’re so hard for me Harry” Zayn finally pulls Harry’s shirt the rest of the way off and gets to work on the rest of his clothes. “Get on your hands and knees” Zayn says and Harry nods, gets into position, tries to not think about how hard he is and how easily he could touch himself. Zayn kisses the soft skin of Harry’s thighs, runs a hand along his spine, kisses the back of his neck. Harry shivers and tries to keep himself in place. His arms are shaking with anticipation and he really needs Zayn to fuck him now. 

“Please Zayn” he tries begging again. 

“What was that baby?” Zayn asks innocently, he's being infuriatingly teasing. 

“I . . .” Harry forgets when Zayn’s finger brushes against his hole, not doing anything, just a pressure, light before it’s gone. “Please just fuck me” 

“Do you think you deserve that baby? You were so bad before” Harry thinks he’ll cry soon if Zayn doesn’t fuck him. 

“Please, I’m sorry, I just need . . .” Zayn’s finger is there again, only slicked up this time, and he presses in slightly before it’s gone again. 

“What?” but Harry can only shake his head as the finger is back again. His head is spinning with want and need and confusion. “Okay baby” and Zayn finally, finally, presses a finger in. It’s nowhere near enough but it’s more than he had and Harry gasps. Zayn smirks to himself. He loves how receptive Harry is to his touches. He teases Harry with one finger for a while until Harry is whining again before adding another. He’s deliberately avoiding his prostate, focusing on stretching him, and Harry can’t take it any more. He presses back against Zayn’s hand, forcing him deeper, Zayn shakes his head in amazement.

“Fuck Harry, you’re such a whore aren’t you?” Zayn’s finger brushes against his spot and Harry lurches forwards, gasps. “Oh, right here is it?” Zayn presses with more force, little jabs followed by a constant pressure. Harry moans.

“Fuck, yes” Zayn smirks and adds another finger. The revelation that Harry loves being fingered when they’d first started this was amazing. Zayn loves how undone Harry comes from just his fingers. He used to be embarrassed by it but not anymore. He loves it too much. The sight of Harry on his knees, rocking back against Zayn’s fingers in an effort to get him deeper is too much for Zayn and he just wants to fuck Harry now. He removes his fingers and Harry whines desperately. Zayn strokes his hair reassuringly. 

“You’re fine baby, I’m right here” Harry’s so hard it hurts and he really wants to come. He's not even sure whether Zayn will let him though. 

“You ready?” Zayn asks and Harry nods, yes. Zayn presses into him agonisingly slow. Harry collapses down onto his front when Zayn’s fully in; his arms not stable enough to support him. Harry is delightfully tight around Zayn and he waits a moment, lets Harry get used to him, even though Harry’s so desperate for Zayn to move it’s unreal. 

“Please” Harry sounds wrecked and Zayn nods, starts moving. He fucks into Harry gently at first, still teasing him for all he’s worth. Zayn feels incredible in him but it’s still not enough. He wants Zayn to properly fuck him, to leave bruises at his hips for being such a slut earlier, for not listening to him. 

“Come on Zayn” Harry whines when Zayn fucks into him again, slowly. He presses against Harry’s spot and Harry moans, his brain going temporarily blank. 

“What?” Zayn stills his movements, “are you being greedy again baby?”

“Please, if you’re going to do this at least do it properly” Harry’s being daring he knows, saying this to Zayn, but he hopes it riles him enough to ruin Harry. Zayn pauses, thoughtful.

“You’re such a fucking whore aren’t you Harry?” Zayn pulls out and snaps his hips forwards, the force making Harry gasp, “Always were weren’t you? The little slut of the group” and yes, this is exactly what Harry wants. Zayn’s movements are faster now, harder. Harry dares to touch himself briefly and it feels so, so amazing he feels lightheaded. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Zayn grasps a handful of Harry’s hair and tugs. Harry moans at the delicious pain. “You can never just accept what you’re given, always want more. Such a greedy little slut Harry” Zayn knows what game Harry’s playing and he decides to humour him, fucks into him roughly. 

“This is what you wanted isn’t it baby? To be used like a little toy, you love that don’t you?” Zayn keeps up his rough pace, fucking into Harry as if he's nothing. Harry can’t help the sounds escaping his parted lips. He wonders what a sight he looks, with his cock painfully hard and leaking and his skin flushed a wonderful pink and his hair falling into his eyes. “You love this don’t you?” Zayn sneers and tears are leaking from Harry’s eyes and, yes, he loves this so much. Harry feels the familiar feeling inside and he knows he’s close. Zayn takes hold of his hair again and pulls and it’s nearly enough, nearly sends Harry over the edge. They’re both panting, Harry alternating between little whines and unashamed moans. Zayn is so lucky, so grateful he gets to see Harry like this. So open and exposed for him. He kisses the small of Harry’s back. Harry is so flushed and pretty and Zayn feels overwhelmed. He’s close himself and guesses Harry is too.

“You want to come baby?” 

“Yes, fuck, yes” Zayn nods.

“Not until I say so,” Harry is almost crying at this point, so desperate to finally come.

“Please” Harry sounds utterly wrecked and Zayn almost takes pity on him but he’s stronger than he thought.

“Not yet baby, you were bad, didn’t listen to me” it doesn’t take much longer for him to come, a few more rough fucks into Harry’s tight heat and he gets his release. He keeps fucking into Harry softly as he comes down. Harry is outright crying by now and Zayn strokes his skin. 

“Do you think you deserve to come Harry?” he asks and Harry can’t reply. He just shakes his head, helpless. Zayn takes pity on him. He pulls out and pushes two fingers in, finding Harry’s spot easily and fucking against it. “Come for me baby” It doesn’t take long at all. Harry comes with a shudder and a strangled gasp. Zayn keeps fingering Harry for a while until he’s shaking with oversensitivity, Zayn presses against his spot a few more times before pulling his fingers out. Harry presses his face into the pillow and his body is shaking from his sobs. 

“Baby, you’re okay, you’re so good for me, waiting so long, I’m so proud” Zayn says softly, he moves closer to Harry, gently rolling him onto his back. Harry’s cheeks are stained with tears and his hair is stuck to his forehead and he's never looked prettier. Zayn wraps his arms around Harry and pulls him closer. He lets Harry cling to him and wet his skin with his tears. Zayn hugs Harry impossibly tighter and says meaningless things in his ear and Harry’s tears subside. 

“Bit overwhelming for you?” Zayn says and Harry smiles. 

“Just, hadn’t had something like that for a while” Zayn nods. Harry’s told him about the meaningless sex he’s had while Zayn was away and understands. “It was incredible though, I missed that, missed you” Harry says softly, pressing his face into Zayn’s side. Zayn strokes his hair gently. 

“Missed you too” he says, and means it. He doesn’t know what this means for either of them, only knows that being here, now, with Harry, feels more right than anything he's felt since he quit the band. 

*  
Zayn makes breakfast the next morning and they sit opposite each other at the table and it’s nice, normal. Zayn’s only half listening to Harry’s rambling, more focused on watching him, thinking about how right it feels to have Harry with him again, how much he doesn’t want this to end. 

*

“I fly back tomorrow” Harry says the following night. His curls are damp from the shower and Zayn stiffens.

“Oh?” he tries to sound casual but knows he fails when Harry offers him a sad smile.

“Got stuff to do you know?” 

“Yeah, course” Harry had a life before he came here and Zayn was stupid to think that a week could change anything between them.

“Will you come back?” he asks and can’t help but sound desperately hopeful. Harry leans up to look at Zayn. 

“Course” Zayn nods and goes back to staring at the TV. He’ll just go back to doing what he was before Harry came here, before he stirred up all these old feelings he thought he’d gotten over, thought he'd forgotten about with drunken nights and rough, meaningless sex. 

“I’ll miss you though,” Harry adds as if that means anything. Zayn wants to laugh. Harry’s gone and done it again, fucked with his feelings, and then he's going to leave again. Leave and go back to doing whatever he does, like he’s always done and always will do. Like Zayn means nothing, like he doesn’t have a heart and feelings to hurt. He's a heart breaker Zayn thinks without humour. 

“Yeah sure” Zayn says coldly. Harry frowns.

“I . . .” 

“Don’t please, it would be best if you just left now. It’ll save any awkward good byes” Harry frowns and looks close to tears.

“Zayn, please . . .” but Zayn stands up, pulls on his shirt.

“Come on, I’ll help you pack” Harry will fly back home with an ache in his chest and Zayn’s number on his phone. Zayn will go out and find pretty girls to fuck, girls who don’t remind him of nights spent in hotel rooms and what could have been if only Harry had let it. 

*

“Hello?” Zayn sounds groggy and he coughs, tries again, “Hello?”

“It’s me” Zayn sits up, pushes away the dirty covers, runs a hand through his hair. 

“What do you want?” there’s a long pause.

“I was wondering if you’d come visit me” Harry sounds almost scared

“I can’t do that” Harry inhales sharply.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry” Zayn hangs up before he does something he regrets. He lights a cigarette and doesn’t regret saying no, he can’t spend his whole life waiting for Harry. 

*

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> I'm sorry it was sad. I hope it was mildly enjoyable anyway.


End file.
